Hollywood's Three Stooges: Can Sly, Voight, and Gibson Save the Day?
(Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk)
January 22, 2025
Hold onto your hats, folks, because the Leader of the Free World has just deputized the most unlikely posse to tackle Hollywood's woes: Sylvester Stallone, Jon Voight, and Mel Gibson. Yep, you heard that right. The President, in all his wisdom, has decided these three aging action heroes are the answer to Tinseltown's prayers.
Now, before we dive headfirst into this comedic cluster-you-know-what, let's get one thing straight: Hollywood ain't exactly on life support. Sure, it's facing some challenges, but it's far from flatlining. The "woe is me" chorus you hear echoing from the hills is a mix of legitimate concerns and good old-fashioned Hollywood drama.
So, what's the perceived problem? Well, according to the doomsayers, Hollywood's creativity has gone the way of the dinosaur, replaced by an endless parade of superhero flicks, reboots, and sequels. They bemoan the lack of originality, the obsession with political correctness, and the feeling that Hollywood's become an elitist echo chamber, out of touch with the average Joe (and Jane).
But the real crisis, the one that has studio execs sweating bullets, is the great production exodus. FilmLA, the folks who track on-location filming in Los Angeles, are reporting a serious drop in shoot days. Why? Because those productions are skipping town faster than you can say "show me the money!" And where are they going? Well, it ain't just some far-off land with lax labor laws.
Canada, (that country now ironically being targeted as the 51st state by the current US executive branch) our friendly neighbor to the north, has become "Hollywood North" with Vancouver and Toronto luring productions with their siren song of tax breaks, skilled crews, and diverse locations. Georgia's also muscled its way into the game, transforming Atlanta into a Southern Hollywood hub (still part of the US) with its own generous incentives and charming landscapes. And let's not forget the international players – the UK, Australia, New Zealand, and even Eastern Europe are rolling out the red carpet for Hollywood productions, offering everything from medieval castles to state-of-the-art studios at a fraction of the cost. It doesn’t seem like China or Russia top the lists.
But the real game-changer, the one that's truly shaken Hollywood to its core, is the rise of the streaming giants. Remember those halcyon days of Blockbuster, where we'd brawl over the last copy of "Lethal Weapon"? Yeah, those days are as extinct as the dinosaurs. Netflix, Amazon, and Apple are the new titans, wielding billions of dollars and armies of algorithms to conquer the entertainment landscape. They're churning out content faster than a Stooges eye-poke, leaving traditional studios scrambling to keep up.
So, back to our presidential posse. Can Sly, Voight, and Gibson really wrangle this runaway train? Well, let's assess the "Stooges Squad":
Sly: He's still got the "Rocky" legacy and the "Tulsa King" success, but at 79, he's more likely to be offered a comfy armchair than a starring role in a blockbuster.
Voight: The Oscar-winning veteran still commands respect, but his outspoken political views might not make him the most popular guy in Hollywood's liberal circles.
Gibson: He's a proven director with a loyal fanbase, but his past controversies have made him a bit of a Hollywood pariah.
Let's be real, folks. These guys ain't gonna be rewriting tax codes or negotiating international treaties. Their influence is more likely to be felt in smaller, independent projects, where their names can still attract financing and open doors for collaborators.
The real power in Hollywood lies with the studio chiefs like Alan Bergman at Disney, David Zaslav at Warner Bros. Discovery, and Donna Langley at Universal. They're the ones greenlighting the big-budget spectacles and deciding which franchises get resurrected. Then there are the streaming titans like Ted Sarandos at Netflix and Jennifer Salke at Amazon, who are shaping the viewing habits of millions with their data-driven decisions. And let's not forget Zack Van Amburg and Jamie Erlicht, the heads of worldwide video programming at Apple, who are greenlighting shows like "Ted Lasso" and "Severance." And of course, there are the financiers – folks like Steven Mnuchin (Trump’s own former Secretary of the US Treasury) at Liberty Strategic Capital, James Murdoch with his Lupa Systems, and the private equity giants like Blackstone and KKR, who are quietly bankrolling the whole shebang and calling the shots from their boardrooms.
Now, this whole "aging action heroes saving Hollywood" scenario got me thinking, and perhaps it's the decades I spent in the music business that sparked this comparison, but what if this was the music biz? Imagine the President tapping Ted Nugent, Gene Simmons, and Kid Rock to rescue the industry from the clutches of streaming giants and dwindling profits. Talk about a rock 'n' roll circus! You'd have the Motor City Madman battling Daniel Ek at Spotify, the Demon negotiating with Oliver Schusser at Apple Music, and Kid Rock... well, Kid Rock would probably just be Kid Rock, stirring up a potent cocktail of controversy and patriotic anthems, maybe even trying to take down Michael Rapino and his Live Nation empire.
But just like in Hollywood, the real power in the music biz lies with the record label execs like Lucian Grainge at Universal Music Group, Rob Stringer at Sony Music Entertainment, and Robert Kyncl at Warner Music Group. They're the ones calling the shots, not a bunch of aging rockers reliving their glory days. And who knows, maybe the gaming industry is next in line for a visit from the geriatric rescue squad. Those poor developers and esports stars better brace themselves for a "Stooge-ical" intervention!
So, while we can chuckle at the notion of these "Three Stooges" task forces – whether they're tackling Hollywood or the music biz (or maybe even the gaming world) – let's not lose sight of the real challenges facing these industries. It's a complex web of economic forces, technological disruptions, and shifting power dynamics. And it's gonna take more than a few "nyuks" and "soitenlys" (or power chords and rebellious screams) to untangle it. But hey, at least we can enjoy the show while it lasts. After all, in Hollywood, the music biz, and the gaming world, even the biggest crises can be turned into entertaining spectacle.
— Rob Tonkin
Nice one.